Queen says some weird shit.  What is Scaramouche?? and I didn't think Fandango was around in the 80's?? Carol Archer -Boulder, Colorado Yes, Queen is a weird but awesome band.  In their Bohemian Rhapsody, they say: “Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?” ... “Bismillah! No!” Scaramouche is a traditional clown character featured in Italian commedia dell'arte. He is a stock character in Punch and Judy shows and often gets his head knocked off of his shoulders by Punch. The fandango is a lively couples dance usually accompanied by guitars, hand claps and castanets. "Bismillah" is an Arabic word that means "in the name of God." It is used at the head of almost every chapter in the Holy Quran.

Jimmy Jail-time Fun

You have a sketchy past, what is prison like? I did something really bad and have to go to court for it and my lawyer says it does not look good. JImmy Garcia -Denver, Colorado Yeah. This.  So I have always had amazing high paid evil lawyers.  These amazing overpaid demons from the depths of hell, who went to expensive White collar elite colleges like Princeton, Harvard, and Yale, have granted me the opportunity to not have had the pleasure of any of the following fun jail-time activities: It’s always noisy, 24/7 Your body cavities will be searched. The other inmates will try to steal everything you have. Guards may treat you in a gross manner; “The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.” Communication with loved ones is greatly reduced. No matter what is cooked, the food tastes the same every day. Your habits—sugar, caffeine, alcohol, nicotine—go unsatisfied. You won’t be able to choose your favorite TV show. You will walk through the prison unit in single file looking straight ahead. You will hear metal gates/doors slamming and clanking inside the building If you work in the field, you will be on your feet in the sun all day long. The guards watching you will be nearby and be irritated by the heat, but they are sitting on their horses. Many units have no a/c. The commode has no seat; you will sit on metal and you will share the cell with another. Many units have “tanks” where the men live together; some overcrowded units have their inmates living in tents—in Texas this can be life threatening. Some inmates are armed with “shanks,” homemade knives. You will never have enough money to buy the little goodies you desire at the PX So Jimmy.  I would say that you need to superglue your butt cheeks together, dress in drag, and do what you are told by those in charge (like your roomie) and be the very best bottom you can be during your stay in the... Hoosegow, mainline joint, skinner joint, stoney lonesome, con college, glasshouse, bucket, club fed, greybar hotel, big house, slammer, calaboose, castle, cooler, country club, crowbar hotel, digger, farm, guardhouse, hole, joint, jug, juvie, pen, pokey, rock, sneezer, stockade, the clink.

Should I Break my leg?

My BFF just fell and broke her leg at cheer practice.  Now her mom, who use to neglect her all the time, caters to her every whim and takes her shopping all the time.  She is even going to buy her a car right after her leg heals.  At school she gets so much attention from everyone and the boys always offer to carry her books and sometimes even carry her to class.  It makes me so sick.  I am thinking of breaking my leg now.  What is the least painful way to break my leg? Marggie -Boulder, Colorado Are you out of your %U*Y%* mind??? No matter what it would be a horrible idea to break your leg. Let me tell you a story about my buddy Chad growing up.  Chad prayed to God for his mom to pay more attention to him.  One day he fell off his bike and broke both legs and both arms putting him in a quadra cast.  Guess What??  He got lots of attention from his mommy who had to help him to pee and wipe his butt like he was two years old.  For six months.  Yeah, he got attention. Just be happy with the knowledge that when she gets her cast off, she is going to have to shave that leg twice as often as the other one.  You can laugh all you want at her noon leg shadow during cheer practice.

Burn Baby

I just got fired from my job at Jack-In-The-Box for hitting on the smoking hot manager.  It seems like they are discriminating against me for her sexually harassing me.  What does she expect, she's hot? Should I burn the place down?  I want to go get a bunch of gas and light that building on fire. Janice - Portland, Oregon Uh, dude.  NO.  As a psychologist I am legally obligated to tell someone about this.  Burning some place down not only destroys property, but could put lives in danger.  We don't want anyone dead. Besides, gas is way too expensive right now.

A psychiatrist friend

I want a psychiatrist friend who would come over when I needed and counsel me. Faraz Chandaer -Germany I want a psychiatrist friend who would come over when I needed and council me.   I want a mechanic friend that will come over all the time and fix my cars. Oh, and a maid friend too.  But unfortunately all my friends are raging alcoholics and panhandlers who think my house is a place to hang out and do lines of cocaine in my bathroom while texting their wives that they have to stay late at work again. I’m guessing you need decent friends and not free professionals to hang out with you. If things are really that bad, try checking our yahoo answers. If that isn’t cutting it, I hear barkeeps are pretty knowledgeable. Actually there was this one time when I was coming down from a regular does of Benadryl and I realized that I had been living with what I though was a wicked awesome woman but come to find out it was a 35 year old pot belly pig name Juniper. So I went to this bar about 3 blocks from the apartment I was renting (which was leased in Junipers name, go figure) and the barkeep there was so ticked off because he said I smelled like a barnyard, which of course made me breakdown into hysterics and so he offered me a hit of whiskey. His name was Benji or Jed, something trendy like that. And so I looked at him and said “Hey man, I need someone to talk to.” He proceeded to roll his eyes and tell me that’s not part of his job. But I kept talking anyways. Before I knew it like 4 hours had passed and I had had like 15 tall waters (cause I forgot my wallet back with Juniper) and I couldn’t pay for anything else. And wouldn’t you know it, this girl walked over and said “Hey man, did you just say you had a pig name Juniper?” and I was all like “Yeah, sort of” and she was all “That’s my pig. I had a wild couple of months and lost her”. And that’s when I knew that I really loved that pig because there was no way I was going to let this chick take her from me. Long story short…. I have no clue where I was going with that.

I want to dress to impress.

I want to impress people with a nice expensive watch, maybe gold with diamonds.  What would you suggest? Jamone Smith - Lexington, Colorado If you are not pimping a Rhodium Watch encrusted with Red Diamonds you are not rocking the jewelry. If you are looking for flashy so people think you are rich, don't wear gold, it's poor people accessories, go with the true valued stuff.

Placenta Party

Q: My wife and I are considering eating the placenta after our baby is born.  We are doing a water home birth and learned that this is a guaranteed way to ensure a long and successful life for our baby.  I have not found any credible information about this online and when we asked our doctor he said not to do it.  I know the doctor is an idiot, so how do we go about this?? A: Oh boy.  Or girl.