It's Terms & Conditions
Who? LewisOne.com is maintained by LewisOne Himself and his group of specially trained Monkeys. At times LewisOne may also be referred to as “we”, “us”, “pimp”, or “Dude with the Giant (fill in the blank)”. The person who is viewing or interacting this site we will refer to as “you”, “your dumb ass”, “moron”, “hey you”, “little Bruja or HoHo”, or where appropriate “jerkface” (only if you’re being naughty).
Why? This a one sided “Agreement” we made up and is our contract with you (just like when we were kids and spit on our hands and shook on it, or pinky swore on our mothers but I was the big bully kid taking your candy and lunch money), and tells you what you can and can’t do and what we can and can’t do with you (which isn’t much).
What the $^%k?? LewisOne is a bad ass dude who talks about bigtime money balling artists. He blogs about success, failures (not ours of course), and making money online and in the streets.
We make $$$$$ by
- telling people about some of thing you have told us about yourself (if you have given us permission, told us never to tell a soul, or have we started rumors about you online that we can convince others to believe);
- telling you about people that have paid us to talk about them; and
- selling advertising space. If you’re buying from us, you will PAY for what you order when you order it. Since we wear the pants around here, its up to us whether we’ll run your ad or not, and like your prom date we may reject you…so try again and don’t keep condoms for more than a year in your wallet (babies are born that way as we have found out by continuous testing on people’s mommies).
- Selling Shit. Yeah, it’s worm shit. It’s good for the soil to grow stuff. and other shit that we make, like games, clothing, art, and stuff.
We want you to like us, we really do. But the internet is crazy dangerous place, and we don’t like danger or the Feds spilling over onto our website or homes. So while some of this may seem OBVIOUS, we have to tell you because sometimes its good to be reminded. So when using our site we expect the following:
- Don’t Spam, or use this site to sell your crap without our permission. This isn’t the classified section of the fucking newspaper or the “Hookers Gone Wild” section on CraigsList where you can pick up hot she-males to take home to mom as your prom date;
- Don’t give us viruses, crabs, the herps, mono, your unwanted babies, or try and hack your way into our computers, Use your powers to hack the IRS computers instead, give us all fat refunds, and erase college debts, maybe even give us perfect credit scores and a pretty pony with long hair we get to brush;
- Don’t post comments on our blog that are useless, we know how to masterbate and have sex with people’s moms, so we don’t need any instructional videos or Viagra for our wanks. If you have a good line on some Cocaine, mail us some to:
Cocaine – C/O LewisOne
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
or give us a call at (202) 324-3000
and we will send a messenger with some cash.
- Don’t be a robot. Robots are evil, even Rosie from the Jetsons, she’s super evil and mean and does not do a very good job cleaning the Jestons home. That means don’t use auto posters that are meant to leave things like “You blog has great informashuns! Thank you! Best content 2007! I my wife tell me about you site, I say I no believe but she write…you best Site!” with anchor text to your crappy site about “Best Los Angeles Dog Groomers”. Seriously….don’t.
- Don’t be a jerk-face. A jerk-face is someone who discriminates, defrauds, hates, or acts like an idiot. Don’t do any of that. We’ll ban you and send cockroaches to your house, like big ass ones that spit in your coffee in the morning and don’t refill the toilet paper.
- Don’t post things that you’re not supposed to or don’t have permission for, leave plagerism, “sampling”, and those types of things to Rappers and low key Comedians.
- Don’t do other things that we don’t like, which is up to us, because this is our house and we are kind of dicks. Besides, we pay our naked maids lots of money to do stuff for us, not you. Get your own maid.
If you follow the rules, you can stay. If you don’t, we can kick you out, haul your ass to court, or tell the Alphabet Boys what you’ve done so they’ll put you under surveillance like they did Steve, who is in witness protection in Northern Russia with Bobby Joe who is talking to themselves about how the ants are conspiring against their enjoyment of Lucky Charms. Our failure to enforce against one person is not a waiver to enforce our rights at any time for the same or different offenses.
Don’t steal our Shit. By Shit, we mean the awesome content, advice, pictures, videos, sounds (ummm, not sure what kind of sounds we’ll make…but you can be sure you can’t have them without asking us first). So our Shit is protected by all the freaking laws you can think of. Seriously. This includes US Copyright Law (17 U.S.C.A Section (#weirdsquigglythinginsertedhere) 107). This means don’t $*%^ use it, think of using it, or even stare at it with the intention of doing something we didn’t say your dumb ass could do.
If you give us Shit for our site to use, you’re pinky swearing that it’s yours or you have permission to use it in the way you’re using it. Violations of other people’s “Shit” is not taken lightly here at Lewis-Mother-Freaking-One, as we don’t like it when people jack our Shit either. So if you jack someone else’s Shit and try and pass it off to us like “Hey bro, it’s Cool (puff puff pass) you can totally use this Dude” then you’re going to pay for anything bad that happens to us, our employees, our advertisers, vendors, family pets, imaginary friends, Pokemons or super special secret agents.
Since we think copyright infringement sucks really bad we are registered in accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (“DMCA”) to receive notices of people jacking our shit or if others believe we jacked their shit. To get us to take down some shit per the DMCA, please feel free to contact us through our contact info on our site. The DMCA request should identify in the subject line our website, the words DMCA Notice, the name of the owner of the shit and if needed, your name if you are someone other than the person who owns the shit, the URL of the work being jacked, the location of the shit on our site, and the following statement:
“I really super duper believe that the use of the shit described above is allegedly jacked and is not authorized by the owner of the shit, their agent, or Johnny Lawman. The shit in this notification is accurate and I swear, on my mommy, daddy, granny, and kitty cat, that I am the owner of the shit or can act on behalf of the owner of the shit being jacked. xoxo, your street name.”
You must tag the notice with your street name, and if sending it by e-mail, an electronic signature is just fine with us. Please also include any street cred and crew you hang with so we can look them up to see if our crew outweighs them or not so we can properly make any decisions we need to make about your claim.
We have lawyers.
A whole team of evil mother pluckers that are ready to scratch your eyes out with their manicured nails on a whim, but we’d rather resolve this like homeboys. So if you have an issue, you will first come to us and tell us about this problem. We may talk about this problem for awhile while drinking heavily at the strip club, and if you ain’t be happy with our drunken decision, then we can duke it out in Court.
The Court must be in Oregon, and will be decided based on the Oregon judicial system with a judge who’s parents are closely related and hangs out with us at said strip club. Any law that applies or controls this contract is Oregon law and is run by backcountry hicks that don’t like outsiders.
YEA DOG, that’s right, you just got hometurfed broseph.
But you’re agreeing to this hometurf being in the great state of Oregon because we have to have one universal location to resolve disputes in. Oh, and the winner of the dispute or lawsuit is entitled to have their rich ass Bentley driving attorneys’ fees and costs paid for by the looooooser. Oh yeah, and make sure you make the court date in the dead of winter so you can enjoy our 10 feet of snow and -40 degree daytime highs in one of our amazing disease infested ratholes the locals call hotels (hourly rates available along with Betty Sue who hangs out in the laundry room claiming to be an excellent plumber).
People mutually agree to stuff that courts just won’t uphold.
That shouldn’t affect the intent of our one sided agreement, though, so you agree that if a judge declares some of these Terms of Service of no effect, the rest of the Terms of Service will stay in effect as much as is still possible without the part that the judge struck down. Although since we hang out with the judge on weekends at the pre-mentioned strip club, that has never happened in the hundreds of lawsuits against us.
Our site may have links to third party websites that we have no control over, such as YouTube, Facebook, InstaSpam, HookersAndSinkers, and MySpace (for those who uses myspace still because they were cool in the 40s), and PornHub.
We have no responsibility over this stuff (although If those companies want to give us free shit with their company logo’s on it we’re cool with that) and therefore you have to take up any problems you have with those sites with their owners.
Leave us out of it.
We try our best at making stuff, but that’s all you get, just like when you buy some random Drug from your local dealer… you’re buying it “AS IS” even if it blows off both your hands when you light it up in a “spliff” or fries your brain like two eggs on a hot pan.
So even if something super terrible and mighty catastrophic happens because you viewed our site (which happens a lot because of how amazingly awesome things are around here), you can’t sue us, or anyone that is connected with us. since we’re in Oregon, and you might be in Florida or on the Moon, we have to tell you about that fancy law that says if you give up your “general” rights to claims you don’t have to give up your rights to claims that you couldn’t have known about (makes sense right?)
Welllllp, guess what you are giving those rights up because this is an agreement and we just told your sorry ass and you can suck a fat one. So we’re disclaiming all warranties and liability for anything and everything and all sorts of stuff, whether or not we knew or should have been better psychics and knew. King of the Castle means that when you come into our site, you play by our rules and if we end up being responsible for something we’re not going to pay you a penny more than what you may have paid us in the past month, or a $20 gift certificate to Taco Bell, whatever is smaller. If you’re from one of those weird states that say you can’t have provisions like this in a contract, or that we can’t limit what we pay, then our damages are limited to the smallest, teeniest, tiniest, bit allowed by law and we will happily make sure you get that in the most inconvenient way possible.
Boooo Yaaa. Whomp! Whomp!
If you’re from a foreign country, welcome… Gutentag, Nei Ho, Bonjour, Jambo, Hola Bendejo, Na-Nuu Na-Nuu, nuqneH…. and if we don’t happen to know your language, there is a cool app for that.
……we’re going to be sending our information from our country to your country, so you’re ok with us transferring this information because you typed in our domain name in your browser to visit and used our site. Unless you’re from Germany, then…well…..let us know and we’ll figure out what to do with you.
Headings to these sections and the writing in the paragraphs are meant to be for entertainment purposes only and have no binding effect. We can transfer our rights and obligations in this agreement whenever we feel like it. Just because we don’t put someone in a burlap sack and beat the crap out of them with a sock full of quarters for violating any section of this One Sided Agreement doesn’t mean we’re passing on our right to enforce our Agreement, it just means we’re cutting someone some slack or we are too drunk to care at the time. It doesn’t mean we’ll do the same for you or anyone else.
Too bad, we do what we want because we’re the honey badgers of the internet. Follow the law and don’t be a jerkface, douchebag, or blatant turd trimmer.
Finally. If you ever get the unique privilege to go out whoring and drinking with us, leaving me early in the morning on the front steps of my Step Moms house is not a proper protocol, it’s just being an ass.
I’m talking to you Donald, YOU DICK.
At least Donald, or the “Big Don” as he likes to be called, could have taken me home, taken my shoes off, lay me in my big comfortable California King size bed, and put a damn blanket on me making sure I am laying on my side so I don’t suffocate on my own puke. A real good friend would make sure I wake up with your naked mommy making me breakfast in bed. Like what happened with Don’s Mommy the following weekend after she tattooed the LewisOne Logo on your right butt cheek.