… IMPORTANT: If you’re a lawyer, an activist, internet troll, law enforcement, snitch, ex girlfriend, my psychologist, oversight group, spelling or grammar Nazi, or someone from the alphabet boys at a government agency & “here to help”, then check out our real privacy policy at the bottom of the page, otherwise enjoy.
First and Foremost, We don't %&#$@ snitch. However to quote the great Michael Jackson...
I always feel like somebody’s watching me, & I have no privacy, whoa-oa-oa
We Are The Company That Cares About Your Privacy
Not Really, but When you visit our web site you provide us with three types of information:
- Personal information you knowingly choose to disclose that is collected on an individual basis.
- Web site use information collected on an aggregate basis as you and others browse our Web site.
- Any personal porn you might have on your phone or computer that this website automatically downloads to our servers and then shares with the world. This might include deleted texts, snapchat, or other random files you might have thought you secured. Also any passwords to bank accounts, emails, or random accounts we might send over to Edward Snowden for purposes only he knows and we feel confident that he will act responsibly with that information, no matter how drugged up and drunk he might be at the time.
Web Site Use Information
Similar to other commercial Web sites, our Web site utilizes a standard technology called “cookies” (See cookies below or google some random explanation if you are not sure what they are. We asked our tech guys and were more confused after they explained it to us.) and web server log files to collect information about how our Web site is abused.
Information gathered through cookies and Web server logs may include the date and time of visits, the pages viewed, time spent at our Web site, the Web sites visited just before and just after our Web site and a continuous stream of what your computer or phone camera is viewing. These pictures might just be used for our personal enjoyment or entertainment and thus become our property to do with as we see fit. Personal Privacy is Awesomesause.
Cookies: Not like the one's Cookie Monster likes.
What our geeks told us is that…
“A cookie is a very small text document, which often includes an anonymous unique identifier. When you visit a Web site, that site’s computer asks your computer for permission to store this file in a part of your hard drive specifically designated for cookies. Each Web site can send its own cookie to your browser if your browser’s preferences allow it, but (to protect your privacy) your browser only permits a Web site to access the cookies it has already sent to you, not the cookies sent to you by other sites. Browsers are usually set to accept cookies. However, if you would prefer not to receive cookies, you may alter the configuration of your browser to refuse cookies. If you choose to have your browser refuse cookies, it is possible that some areas of our site will not function as effectively when viewed by the users. A cookie cannot retrieve any other data from your hard drive or pass on computer viruses.”
“As you visit and browse our Web site, the site uses cookies to differentiate you from other users. In some cases, we also use cookies to prevent you from having to log in more than is necessary for security. Cookies, in conjunction with our Web server’s log files, allow us to calculate the aggregate number of people visiting our Web site and which parts of the site are most popular. This helps us gather feedback to constantly improve our Web site and better serve our clients. Cookies do not allow us to gather any personal information about you and we do not intentionally store any personal information that your browser provided to us in your cookies.”
“IP addresses are used by your computer every time you are connected to the Internet. Your IP address is a number that is used by computers on the network to identify your computer. IP addresses are automatically collected by our web server as part of demographic and profile data known as traffic data so that data (such as the Web pages you request) can be sent to you.”
….At this point we asked our geeks to stop talking, the staff pitched in to buy them hookers being that they obviously have too much time on their hands to research and learn this crap and not enough time to loosen up to find a nice young girl to knock up and take all their money, their dog, and last yellow skittle in the bag in a divorce: like a good country song.
Tomorrow we are going to Sesame Street and have a little chat with Cookie Monster because he spent our childhood lying to us.
When you are Naked
We do not share, sell, lend, offer a refund in the first 30 days, trade for Cocaine, or lease any of the information that uniquely identify a subscriber (such as email addresses or personal details) with anyone except to the extent it is necessary to process transactions or provide services that you have requested. We might however acquire personal naughty pictures from our random download and promise to put little black bars over your eyes if we decide to share it with the world on PornHub.
We may disclose information when legally compelled to do so, in other words, when we, in good faith, believe that the law requires it or for the protection of our legal rights. We may also disclose account information when we have reason to believe that disclosing this information is necessary to identify, contact or bring legal action against someone who may be violating our Terms of Service or to protect the safety of our users and the Public.
Being that we hate it when the Alphabet Boys show up at our house with a signed warrant to search our computers, Again, we will do anything possible to make sure that we talk first. When they drag us into a room completely naked and zap us with electrodes clipped to our balls, it really sucks. Thanks very much Special Deputy Stan for that Amazing Eye Opening Experience.
When Others are Naked
We are not responsible for the practices employed by Web sites linked to or from our Web site or the information or content contained therein. Often links to other Web sites are provided solely as pointers to information on topics that may be useful to the users of our Web site or for the pure entertainment of what we think might happen if you see naughty bits that you were not expecting. Although we can only see your reaction from what we can see through your computer or phones camera, we think it’s pretty darn funny.
By using our Web site you consent to our collection and use of your personal information as described in this Privacy Policy. We reserve the right to amend this privacy policy at any time with or without notice because we can and conveniently make up the rules of the game so we always win.
This site allows visitors to unsubscribe so that they will not receive future messages. After unsubscribing we will discontinue sending the particular messages as soon as technically feasible. We will also tell the world what a pussy you are for not wanting to be our friend and might even mail you a bottle of water to wash the sand out of your vagina. You obviously need it.
When We are Naked
We may change this Privacy Policy when we want. If/when changes are made to this privacy policy, we will not email users about these changes. We will post any changes here, so be sure to check back periodically. However, please be assured that if the Privacy Policy changes in the future, we will not use the personal information you have submitted to us under this Privacy Policy in a manner that is materially inconsistent with this Privacy Policy, without your prior consent, a blood sample, and you agreeing to babysit our dog fluffy who requires an amazing amount of care and attention.
Sua sponte: Hereto within, both for consideration and exemplification in abeyance subject to adjudication pro se and terms whereto superseding justifies the underscore until res judicata thusly relieving ALL satisfactions. All parties hereby agree to wit habeas corpus. blah blah blah blah…..
We firmly believe that privacy both inconsequential and unimportant to you. If it were not, you probably would not have a Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn account: and you certainly wouldn’t ever use a search engine like Google. If you’re one of those tin-foil-hat wearing crazies bastards that actually cares about Privacy: unplug, stop using the internet, and find the nearest closet to live in.
"The age of Privacy is Over."
To sum thing up and to be perfectly clear and to satisfy the absurd privacy requirements of various legal entities, here are the cliff notes version:
- Specifically, while most other companies are concerned with protecting your privacy, we care about profiteering and violating it when convenient or useful or save it for a future time for blackmail.
- You may think of using any of our programs or services as the privacy equivalent of living in a webcam fitted glass house under the unblinking eye of Big Brother: you have no privacy with us. If we can use any of your details to legally make a profit, we most certainly will.
- We will track and log everything we can about all the dirty (and clean) things you do and like with cookies, GPS, secure connections, Pokemon Go and or whatever technology exists today or becomes available at any time in the future. It is backed up on 114 different servers worldwide with random usernames and passwords so it can not be deleted and can be obtained by us at a drop of a dime.
- By using any of our services, you grant us permission to surgically implant a tracking microchip of our choosing in your body and sell all collected information to the highest bidder . . . and to all other bidders. You also agree to regular updates and reinstalls of said device entirely at our discretion for up to 750 years after the end of your natural life. We will perform any neccessary or unneccessary surgical procedures while you are sleeping and will do our best to keep you alive until the next morning.
- If the opportunity arises to sell or otherwise use this or any information, data or meta data about you or your world, we will jump at that opportunity like a shark on a party barge full of vampires.
- Please email us to tell us some of your secrets. We may, at our sole discretion (or lack thereof), broadcast, reveal, sell, manipulate, or otherwise use these secrets, or any information we collect to our benefit whenever, wherever, and however we choose.
- We are right now looking at you through your webcam. Do you always move your lips like that when you read? We also recorded what you were doing last week and are sending the video to (you know who). If the prior statements are not true, it’s because in addition to everything else, we reserve the right to lie to you, and you agree to believe us and hold us harmless for any and all such lies. Furthermore, if we are not recording everything you’re doing through your webcam, it’s either because we haven’t figured out how, you’re just not that interesting, or both. Maybe if you point your webcam in the other direction we might show more interest.
- We are serious about all of the above. So don’t go trying to sue us later with some nonsense like “I thought that was all satire.” All your privacy are belong to us. We mean it. We don’t joke about Privacy.
- Cookies: We like chocolate chip oatmeal cookies topped off with a tall ice cold glass of Dr. Pepper. You agree to furnish any employee or associate of our company with fresh chocolate chip oatmeal cookies upon request. That’s the price of using our programs and or services (in addition to any other price we come up with).
- Spam. You agree that nothing we do with the access and information you grant to us shall be called Spam: even if it is. You allow us to sell your information for the sole purposes of attempting to ram so much email into your server that we would have to call Ron Jermey himself to advise us how to get it all to fit.
