DISCLAIMER: So even tho many people get butt hurt when I force my opinion down their throats through my blogging, social media, and drunken rants down main street on busy nights, it only hurts for a short time. Take some Tylenol or Ibuprofen, sober up and have some damn fun with life already. Holy Crap.
So here are some Frequently Asked Questions I get from time to time about myself, my loyal monkeys, & my antidisestablishmentarianism conspiracy theory folks who I love dearly.
What the hell do you do?
To sum it up I have three jobs.
Third I am an artist, doing artist things.
Second, I help people in the art world learn about how to not starve as artist types. Being that I am 966 pounds overweight, I have some experience not starving and encourage others to do so as well. Starving sucks.
I grew up as an artist vandalizing stuff and that necessary evil got me into programing computers, marketing & consumer psychology, and doing commercial graphic work.
My major focus in recent years is building my own brand in various Artistic endeavors including creating a Graphic Novel, A Video Game, and a few different Children’s books. These will be on the market soon with some starting out as Crowd Sourcing Campaigns.
First, and most important, I am a Daddy doing Daddy stuff like wiping 5 year olds butts and calling to order diner because I suck at cooking.
Why be self employed and not just go work for the WB or Walmart, it would be soooo much easier?
After a long hall at Warner and a stint in the Army, Art ruled my life. I wanted to share it with the world. But much like Frankenstein’s little project, things have gone horribly wrong. I was not making money.
I then set my focus on traveling around hanging out with artists that had more money than most banks. I could care less about learning their ability to paint and focused on their ability to rake in money by the wheelbarrow full. A few hundred artists later I finally had it figured out. So I applied at every fast food, retail store, and graphic design firm I could find. I set up interviews at every one of them, and during the interview process made it a point to make sure they would never in eternity answer my phone calls or emails or hire my sorry ass: I became a interview legend handed down from manager to manager until the end of time. After Stories came out about me offering my piss in a origami cup on the spot so they could tell me what drugs I had the night before or offering my “services” to make them a proud grandparent, Many even got restraining orders that I framed and put up in my house. It gave me the motivation I needed because there was not a place on the planet that would hire me.
Thus…. I am now self employed.
Can you do (insert need here) for me?
Sure.
Money will make me do all sorts of things.
One day in college when hitting the strip club the owner got a call that one of his girls was “sick” and could not make it in. For $20 and free cover for life I willingly filled in. Although the amount of sticky tape I had to use to keep my dental floss on made it a bad idea and left permanent marks on “hot spots”, but had two lap dances for the night and got a dozen numbers from cute looking guys.
Will LewisOne Be addictive?
Of course. That’s my plan. Take over the world through manipulating the minds of the public and questionably semi-hard work. Please review the side effects to see if I am good choice for you here.
Is this site suitable for children?
UHM??? Sure. If you are the parent that wants to expose their children to crazy creativity a half baked oversharer artist dude gives, knock yourself out. Otherwise, to avoid Child Protective Services showing up at your house with cold handcuffs after little Johnny brags to his teacher at show and tell about me, I would totally avoid giving them unsupervised access to many of the things I do.
What is the meaning of Life?
Oh yes, the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. I think.
But really I have not a clue because I suck at actual math, but try to be nice to Johnny and Jill waiter, barista, personal assistant, tech support phone operator, lifeguard, computer geek, zit faced burger flipper, no English speaking taxi driver, vegetable stacker, Crazy Ass Vegan or drive-thru talker person that helps you, or you might end up living the rest of your life with brick shoes at the bottom of a deep lake.
Can I work for you?
Sure, working for assholes is everyone’s life goal. If you want to be one of my warehouse monkeys doing monkey stuff then Apply Here.
Hey, I saw a website like yours already.
Yeah, they ripped me off. Isn’t “sampling” awesome.
I see you get lots of traffic, Will you put a banner ad on your site and how much would it cost?
Sure. I’m for sale not rent. Send 70 gazillion dollars and fourty three cents to my house in large bills.
You went to school forever with all sorts of degrees, why is your spelling and grammar so bad?
Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that I didn’t go to school for $%&# English with a minor in Philosophical Douchebaggery dumbass! I went to school so I would not be a starving artist, not so I can brag about being a gooder speeler than everyone else.
Your site looks broken and not as cool on Windows XP/ Internet Explorer 8?
Well, here is the short of it:
Microsoft pulled the plug on Windows XP and Internet Explorer 8 on April 8, 2014. If you are stuck on Windows XP for whatever reason, you might try giving Chrome or Firefox browsers a try; although you might run into some hardware limitations (CPU, memory, etc.) on older computers. Also, Google will no longer be actively supporting Chrome on XP, Vista, and older versions of OSX. In short, it’s the universe’s kind way of saying it’s time for a new computer. Apple makes great computers the don’t seem to have many of the Windows problems like crashing or falling in love with cute but skanky virus infected mini programs.
I am offended by some of the things that come out of your mouth, your artwork, and your writing, maybe you should clean up your act?
Anal Lube might help you get over that problem. It is useful for all sorts of issues like yours and can be purchased by the five gallon bucket here.
If you are interested in a lawsuit against me because you blame me for your irritation because of the massive amounts of Sand in your Vagina, You were pissed off at one of my art show paintings, I made fun of you in one of my Caricatures, I blurted out vulgarities at your Mommy, blah blah blah, CLICK HERE to find out how.